#2 Scottish People Love Monkeys

It’s true. Especially if the monkeys concerned are in some way considered Scottish.

Bonnie Prince CharlieMinion monkeykyle maclachlan

Some Scottish people are not really  sure where this monkey-love comes from but researchers now believe the affection runs deeper than was previously realised. Humans are known to share 99.4% DNA with chimpanzees.The average in Scotland has now been confirmed to be 99.8%, with some recorded cases reaching as high as 110%.

This anomaly may be linked to Scotland’s historic links to the monkey kingdom. There is some evidence that Scotland itself was originally colonised by a fierce Monkey-people known as the Doolicks. The Doolicks were thought to have been in control of large areas of the Scottish highlands and there are written histories that describe them as ‘monstrous forest dwelling creatures that could outrun a horse on their four fuzzy limbs’.

Doolick artefacts are rare, with the only known examples being housed in sealed glass cases in the National Museum of Scotland in Edinburgh. The mysterious Doolick artwork appears to depict two circular objects, one small, one larger, with a faint line between them together with what appears to be arrowheads pointing in both directions. The meaning of the artwork has puzzled scientists with theories ranging from a depiction of a simple ball game to an early design for Simian space travel. There is very little other evidence of the Doolicks who suddenly disappeared from all written records as suddenly as they appeared. It’s as if they just vanished.

Monkeys were reintroduced to Scotland in the 1700’s when Bonnie Prince Charlie brought a family of companion monkeys named ‘Minions’ with him on his quest to re-claim the throne of Scotland. The Minions were said to have been ‘the gayest of companions’ who could ‘raise the Prince’s dampened spirits even on the bleakest of Scottish mornings’ with their ‘furtive dances and mischievous countenances’.

Paintings depict them dressed in similar garb to the Prince, who, through generations of interbreeding within the European royal families had been born small in stature but with most of his body covered in a thick dark hair. The Prince was known to shave several times a day in an attempt to hide his hideous hereditary and its believed that the confusion surrounding the Battle of Culloden wasn’t helped by the Prince insisting that the settlements around Cawdor be ‘scoured for an oval looking-glass’ on the morning of the battle when he accidently smashed his own one while attempting the Gay-Gordons dance in a confined area with the Minions and some unwilling members of the McLachlan Clan.

The aftermath of the battle saw the Minions successfully deployed as body-doubles for the Prince, easily outwitting their Hanoverian pursuers who were well known to be all mouth and no kilts allowed.

Several of the Minions went on to establish successful monkey communities around the western fringes of the Scottish

Highlands – a climate that they found most agreeable. Remnants of these communities still exist today and the recent upsurge in interest in genealogy has uncovered some unexpected relatives in some family trees.

“I’d no idea I was related to a Minion” said Kyle MacLachlan, an American actor visiting near Poolewe while researching his Scottish roots. “It sure explains a few things though. I love nothing more than sheltering in a dark thicket and picking beasties off my dogs. I’m very proud of my Scottish lineage and it’s true that I do come from an unusually hairy family.”

Armed with the knowledge of their proud monkey heritage Scots can continue to venture out into the world with renewed hope for the future of man and monkey-kind …

#1 Scottish People Love Deep Fried Food

Scottish People Love Deep Fried Mars BarsIt’s true. Especially if it was originally a tasty chocolate based treat anyway. If you take something like, lets say, a Mars Bar (preferably Kingsize), which is already high up the Scottish list of coveted morsels, wrap it in a super-silky battered coating and bathe it in a deep-fat frier, then, the appeal factor is so high that Scots will literally flock towards the aura of the golden delicacy obeying an instinct hard-wired into the Scottish brain long before tartan was ever even dreamed about.

One deep fried Mars Bar can attract up to fifty Scots at a time and is said to be effective at a distance of up to thirty caber-toss lengths. The average Scot thinks about deep fried food every seven seconds with deep fried addicts, known as Friar Tucks, consuming multiple suppers every day and often entering a life of crime or office work in order to support their habits.

Of course deep frying works with just about anything. Early experiments with granite and hedgehogs produced mixed results. The native red squirrel proved a short-lived favourite until demand overtook supply. However, it was the unexpectedly tasty heather mixed with peat that proved a deep fried Scottish culinary phenomenon, an instant hit that was quickly rebranded with the term ‘puddings’.Puddings include a simple colour based labelling system that is in no way racist. The classics are White and Black but variations exist including the rare Red and in some Highland towns the elusive Hunting Tartan, a heretical invention which can only be consumed safely by the expert pudding eaters found in many Highland communities.

Novices attempting a Hunting Tartan Supper have been know to break out in an all-over rash which has been compared to serious burn injuries but with a fine silver thread running through it.Haggis, although not strictly a pudding, is a deep-fry favourite. The real recipe for Haggis has been the source of much scurrilous rumour and mis-information. Some of the more far-fetched ingredients are claimed to be sheep-stomach and the jellied eyes of Griffin chicks but the actual recipe is subject to a Scottish national security order administered by Scotland’s Master Puddingeers who convene regularly at the Scottish Parliament Building in Edinburgh.

Starved of deep fried food Scots can become agitated and quarrelsome, a state which does no-one any favours in an increasingly fragile and interconnected world …